| Just for a Laugh |
| William R | Martin, I`ve put this here just to brighten someone`s day maybe. When I worked near Blackburn, after Leylands as a Draffy, we had an office comedian. Made his own pipes and smoked rough tobacco, came to work in the D.O. in gumboots and jersey`s, a non conformist type. He lived at New Longton and went to a farm sale near Salmesbury and bought a goat on impulse. He then learned that, having bought it, he had to take it home. He had a half decent car, so put the goat in through the back door. Goats have horns, and this was true to type, except that he couldn`t get the door shut with the goat inside, so he put its head through the nearside rear window, looking out. He said that the reactions of shoppers down Church Street and Fishergate was something to see, but he got it home. Later he bought six hens at another sale, these were in a transit cage which he thought was part of the sale, it wasn`t. He got in the car and got the farmer to put them one by one in the back, and set off home. All went well until one bird insisted on perching on his steering wheel, imagine the state of his car when he got back home. I have many more tales from the Office to make you laugh, but later. From over the Pennines, Cheerio, Bill. |
| LDunlop76 | quote:
Originally posted by William R
All went well until one bird insisted on perching on his steering wheel, imagine the state of his car when he got back home. Bill.
Having seen the state our bedroom was in after one solitary blue tit flew in through the window, I can well imagine the mess six hens would make in a car![:0]
Thanks for the smile, Bill! |
| Martin | Welcome back Bill, keep the stories coming. |
| rocketmanjohn | My wife and I went to the island of Curacao recently. There were 4 of us and Roger and I went scuba diving every day, which is my lifes passion. One day we went on a dive boat and my wife Eve decided she would like to come even though she's in a wheelchair and can't swim. Roger end I had a nice easy, 50 minute dive. Eve was very hot on the boat and said she wanted to cool off, she donned her swim belt, shuffled to the dive platform [I was still in the water] and jumped in. Evidently she expected to bob around like a cork, but of course vanished. The water was about 40ft deep and she seemed to be gone a long time, but could only have been a second or two, she then shot out of the water at an incredible speed with eyes like saucers squawking "I've got bloody water in my ears". Just what else she expected I don't know, she was in no danger and the sight of this was really funny, I had big problems stopping laughing 'til I got a clip round the ear.
John |
| William R | Hi, Another to make you laugh. Going back a long time, when the milkman used to deliver milk with a horse and cart, and ladle it into jugs for you. Lived at Bent Bridge and grew roses, father did, and always said that the stronger the horse manure, the sweeter the smell of the roses. Milkman`s horse used to stop in front of our house and leave the days supply of horse manure on the road, which step-mum collected as soon as cart moved on, and put it on the roses. One day the horse over-ran the stop to next door. Step-mum at ready with shovel when neighbour from two houses down appeared with shovel and ran to collect supply. Confrontation!!!! two ladies who should have known better nearly fighting as to whose supply it was, which in temper was thrown into adjacent field, so nobody got it.. Sorry, I should have called it fertiliser, but its taken me ages to get used to calling it manure instead of what neighbour called it. Incidentally, in those years we had hot summers, and the garden really ponged when the sun beat down, no wonder the roses smelled sweet, it was competition. From over the Pennines, Regards, Bill. |
| anacortesdamp | Bill:
Your story reminded me of my Grandfather, Ted Newsham. He and Gran also lived on Bent Lane, had a Plumber and Decorator business at number 168, just before the rise to the Turpin Green raiway bridge.
It might have been the same milkman's horse who made a solid deposit in the street. As Grandad came out with the shovel, a Leyland Motors test chassis went by and ran over the pile. His comment was "damn, he's squozzen all t'juice aht".
Frank Damp
Anacortes, WA |
| LDunlop76 | LOL, gentlemen! |
| William R | Back to my old pal Bill R. (of the goat and hens). He used to enjoy his weekly night out from home in Ribbleton, and always bought some chips to eat on his way home. He also bought his wife (poor lass) some chips, which were cold when he woke her up in bed with "I`ve got you some chips". He did this every week and got the same unprintable reply, thats just for a laugh! Anyway, Bill wanted, one fine day, to adjust his T.V.aerial on his chimney. So he got a ladder and went up onto his roof to adjust it, to avoid slipping on the roof he wore a pair of gym shoes as he hadn`t a roof ladder. Whilst he was on the roof it began to rain, and oh dear he couldn`t get down. It rained hard, neighbours asked his wife what was he doing sat on the roof in the rain, was it for a bet? No, he was stranded, no-one had a roof ladder. Last resort was the Fire Brigade who were used to getting cats out of trees, so they soon got him down to earth, and much more when he found out how much he had to pay for being rescued. I`ve more escapades to give about Bill R. but for now, its --From over the Pennines, Cheerio, Bill. |
| LDunlop76 | How about this tale of my Grandad: in the days of the old metal dustbins he got sick of the bin being blown over and the contents distributed up the garden during a spell of high winds. So he decided to solve the problem by pouring a thick layer of concrete into the bottom of the bin. Well, it didn't get blown over, but it did earn him a stiff telling off from the bin men who nearly got a hernia, trying to lift the darn thing! He had to buy a new bin! |
| William R | Just done a posting about losing my car and its disappeared into the ether when I pressed SEND. So here I go again. Got a new M.G.1300 and went to an Air Display at Abingdon. Parked up and noted where it was parked. Display over I couldn`t find my car. Went to RAF Police who told me that they had moved my reference points (a row of buses) while the display was on and if I went with them they`d show me where it was. They did, it cost me a Fiver for the Benevolent Fund, but I got my first 500 miles running in done, which was why I went in the first place. Moral, always tie a balloon to your aerial when you park with hundreds of others, its easier to find when its all over. Just another funny memory now, not at the time. From over the Pennines, Cheerio, Bill. |
| William R | Hi Folks, Another of my true stories to make you smile. It was just after the War and was published by Leylands. A third world country (which remains nameless) had taken delivery of Comet (?) vehicles when a service call was received at the Depot to recover one of their new lorries in the bush. The service crew arrived at the scene to see the Comet standing over a pool of oil. The driver told them that he was following the instruction given in the Service Book,"Drain off engine oil after 2000 miles" He had read the instruction but did not see the re-fill procedure. (Red faces all round) Oh dear, P.C.?? I believe this may have been said on other occasions, but this was the original. Cheers Bill. |
| LDunlop76 | quote:
Originally posted by William R
Moral, always tie a balloon to your aerial when you park with hundreds of others, its easier to find when its all over.
Good tip, Bill! |
| Lady Griffin | The balloon idea is great.Thanks. Have adopted the idea for picking out my luggage at the airport so made large red white and blue pompoms to tie to bags for easier identification. Last time I used coloured ribbons but thought I could do better after reading Bill's story.
L |
| rocketmanjohn | Bill, I have a similar tale. A relative of mine bought a new Austin 1800 in the 60's I think, looking under the bonnet he saw the oil filler and the water filler close to one another, [sideways engine],he got it wrong and, of course, the engine got filled with water, wrecking it. BMC must have realised this was poor and modified the system, it now read 'Fill with oil' and, yes, that same relative did just that, wrecking a second engine.
John |
| William R | John, You just rang a bell. Colin... I forget his name, lived in Heckmondwyke, bought a car. He was a bit notorious for buying things and not knowing anything about them, anyway, his wife who worked with us said Colin had bought a car and couldn`t get it to start, could I have a look? Went to look. He had the bonnet up, and oil filler cap off. He said he`d filled it with oil, but it wouldn`t turn over. I saw two five litre cans of oil, empty, and one full, Castrol GTX. Asked how much he had put it , and he told me he`d put two big cans and a bottle and it still wasn`t full,. I stopped him putting the third can in, he was filling it until oil came out of the dipstick hole on the crankcase. I drained it all off, and put the right amount in, showed him where the level should have been, and started his car. Result - one happy motorist with a lot of spare oil. Cheerio, Bill. |
| rocketmanjohn | With my wife is in a wheelchair nowadays I have to take her shopping, which I hate with a passion. You would'nt believe how easy it is to lose someone in a large department store when they don't reach above the shelves, and I used to get rather rattled looking for her. Her best pal bought her a flag on a 6ft cane which is attached to the chair, can't miss her now, the flag floats along in full view, no matter where she goes.
John |
| William R | John, Your last post re wheelchairs in S/mkts makes me ask a question, "why do S/mkt shelves have to be seven feet high?" Less fortunate shoppers in W/chairs or short in height, are being forced to take goods from the lower shelves, generally the Stores own brand. This is not a "Raise a laugh" subject, but pertinent to your post. In Barnsley disabled people can hire motorised Chairs to help them get around the Town shops, but in most stores rely on some tall person (like me) to help get things from the top shelf. Could this be a subject for serious discussion on the Forum? From over the Pennines, Cheerio, Bill. |
| LDunlop76 | quote:
Originally posted by William R
John, Your last post re wheelchairs in S/mkts makes me ask a question, "why do S/mkt shelves have to be seven feet high?" Less fortunate shoppers in W/chairs or short in height, are being forced to take goods from the lower shelves, generally the Stores own brand.
Yes, Bill, why do those shelves have to be so high? However, I'm not one to take second choice goods. I have gone down the 'asking a tall bloke' route, but nowadays I climb if possible! LOL! Take yesterday - the last bottle of V8 vegetable juice was at the back of the top shelf, so I shifted a carton of orange juice to make foot space on the bottom shelf and stepped up to reach what I wanted. If the supermarket doesn't like it, tough! I can't help being 5 foot 3! [;)] |
| William R | Can`t really see some W/chair bound old lady doing that, Linda, so I`ll keep myself available. In the local Library, there are book shelves at floor level, which I can`t get DOWN to. I know, I`ll get some little 5ft 3in. lady to help me..... Cheerio, Bill. |
| Lady Griffin | You're actually three inches taller than me Linda and I get mighty mad when I have to stand on tip toes and wave so the girl serving in the delicatessen can see me over the high barrier.
All these tall customers get served before me.Then she says oh sorry didn't see you.
And good on you Bill for helping these shorter folk in need.Or is it height challenged folk- to be PC.
|
| rocketmanjohn | Being in a wheelchair is'nt all bad, the grand kids love to push grandma really fast [so they think] and ride on the back whilst grandma fakes shrieks of fear. We do get some wierd looks, but who cares, it's great fun. It's always strange to see a lot of people who think being in a wheelchair makes one deaf, and shout, always in a slow voice, as though the occupant is nuts as well. We also get people who will address conversation to me, although they are refering to Eve. Why, I don't know, but it happens a lot and it's most irritating. Eve will often say 'I just can't walk, I'm not deaf or stupid'.
By the way, she's only 4 ft 11in while I'm 6ft 1in. Which also gets a laugh. My dad used to say she'd have to stand on a box to put her hat on.
John |
| LDunlop76 | quote:
Originally posted by Lady Griffin
All these tall customers get served before me.Then she says oh sorry didn't see you.
The shop is at fault (write and tell them their counter height discriminates against shorter people [}:)]) but so are your fellow customers. Surely it's good manners, if you know someone was in the queue before yourself to say to the assistant, when she comes to serve you, "This lady was before me"? Anything else is queue-jumping and jolly bad form, what! |
| Lady Griffin | Maybe I need a Minder.Be assured Linda I have my ways of retaliating though and I've put my share of suggestions in their litle boxes over the years to disappear into a big black hole.Being a gentle soul it's not my way to shout and holler.
Most customers are really mannerly but some come from places where the notion of the queue is not recognised -not like sum of us who was born to it.
|
| William R | I remember queuing for chips at that chippie near Thackers on Hough Lane during the war, there used to be a thick blanket over the door for the blackout. We`d just got into the shop when this "gentleman" came through the curtain, straight to the counter and stated his order. The chippie man said "Join the queue" to which he replied "Don`t you know who I am? I`m the Works Superintendent at ........ and I don`t queue for anything!" The retort came back "I don`t care you are, no queue, no chips, so get in the queue" He promptly left, and no, he didn`t get any chips. (name withheld to protect his family) Cheers, Bill |
| Lady Griffin | Cheers to the Chippy Man.Not freet of anyone.Practising Lancashire dialect as don't want to be 'fraffly posh' |
| William R | Lady G, I wouldn`t bother trying to cultivate a Lancashire accent. I`ve just been to the Sunday market and heard very little Yorkshire accent, I can`t recognise the accents from Eastern Europe, and people with what seems to be broad Yorkshire accent generally have very dark skins. I`ve lived here for nearly 45 years, and still get told that I`m a Lanc, by my accent. Does sign language have an accent? From `t wrong side `t Pennines,Cheerio, Bill. |
| Lady Griffin | The last time I came home people who didn't know I was Lancashire thought I was South African -so there you go - and I've been here so long that I confuse Lancashire and Yorkshire dialects.It can't get worse than that.
In the 40's it was common at grammar school for teachers to try to neutralise our accents with constant recital of poetry and lots of vowel sounds.Very painful.I can still remember a lot of it.Plus the elocution type lines like "Seven silver swans swimming in the Severn" etc.
Anyway St Patrick's Day today a bit before yours so to any Irish folk a happy day.
On this day in 1964 Gracie Fields was in a taxi here coming from the Airport for a visit when the driver sang a bit of the Maori Farewell song and she learned it and sang it many times.'Now is the hour'
A bit of trivia on the radio this morning that I thought I would share.Gracie is my favourite of all time.
Off the topic -sorry Martin. |
| LDunlop76 | quote:
Originally posted by William R
still get told that I`m a Lanc, by my accent.
In 1952 my great-uncle and his family emigrated to NZ, assisted passage. His mother (my great-grandmother) was emigrating with the family, but wasn't eligible for assisted passage so she went by sea in style on her own, stopping off at various ports en route. She got in a taxi for a trip into town when they docked at Sydney and was immediately asked by the taxi driver which part of Lancashire she came from! Turned out he'd originally come from only a mile or two away from Granny's home street! Small world! |
| Caroline | A couple of years ago, we were approached by a man and his wife in Dinan, asking in bad French for a bank . When he heard we were from Lancashire, he exclaimed in great relief 'Eee, I'm right glad!' |
| noel | I found this site, a tribute to Iraqi Information minister Muhammed Saeed-al-Sahaf
http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/#quotes
A cult figure in the UK and USA, hope he's OK.
[img]http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/images/07-minister.jpg[/img] |
| LDunlop76 | Boy, has "Comical Saeed" come in for some stick this last week! Any one else hear "The Now Show" on Radio 4 this lunchtime? <giggle> |
| Caroline | Yes, and it were reet good! |
| LDunlop76 | quote:
Originally posted by Caroline
Yes, and it were reet good!
Wasn't it? Though sadly, I read in today's paper that Comical Saeed is thought to have hanged himself..... |
| noel | I'm not convinced Linda until any bodies are found. I found this one on the site, we don't have any Sunderland supporters unfortunately.
[img]http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/images/sunderland.jpg[/img] |
| LDunlop76 | Rolling on floor laughing.... and I don't even follow the footie!! |