| Where do the jokes go ? |
| Star Sailor Cat | I hope its ok to put jokes here ?
President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead
the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No", says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well", says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
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| Star Sailor Cat |
Group: Moderators
Posts: 94
Joined: April 2003
Posted: Mon April 21 2003,16:46
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SallyAnn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I just found out Im losing my mind more than I thought I was
I cut and pasted your great joke to send to a friend and then I forgot where I found it .Do forgive me Ive posted it in two other forums ond in Frandocs .
My Dr as upped my green pills but I dont think its still enough my mind is too far gone (not a joke)
I feel all depressed now
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| LDunlop76 | Good joke, Jackie! |
| noel | Yes good one Jackie.
Where does Saddam store his CDs ??
In a rack. (Iraq for those, like me who didn't get my wife's joke.) |
| dedwardsa | -------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well", says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
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How true!!
Mind you, the mark of a great statesman is that his wife can publish recipes on the official website...
http://www.whitehouse.gov/firstlady/recipes/index.html
god help us - all we'll get is a recipe for Scouse and most of us know that already! |
| Star Sailor Cat | umm errr >^.,.^< <----dont know what a scouse is ?
those recipes arent even original she steals off the internet like I do [:p] |
| LDunlop76 | Scouse - a type of stew - usually high on potatoes and low on meat because it's favoured by hard-up folk. In really hard times, "Blind Scouse" would be made - no meat at all. It was eaten commonly in Liverpool - hence Liverpudlians being nicknamed "scousers". |
| Sandieh | How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.
I`m English/Aussie but I love this one !!! |
| Caroline | What's 'Lob Scouse', then? Stew with everything thrown in , I expect........ |
| LDunlop76 | I thought lob scouse was the full name for scouse. Scandinavian origin? I've got a bit about it in a book somewhere........... |
| LDunlop76 | I copied this from the net:
<<But it set me thinking why Scouse as a name to describe someone from the Liverpool area.
Well, it's origins are from the Norwegian and Danish word ‘lapskaus’. In the 18th Century ‘lapskaus’ was a sailor’s dish made with vegetables and ships biscuits. With the many seamen visiting or settling in Liverpool of Scandinavian stock from the 18th Century the meal became known in Liverpool as ‘lobscouse’. ( Not dissimilar to the ' lobby ' stew of the Potteries - just think how close you all came to be called Scousers yourselves!! ) Eventually, the ‘lob’ was lopped off and the meal became known simple as ‘Scouse’ and became Liverpool’s traditional dish. It was a cheap meal to make and consisted of meat and vegetables. If you couldn't afford to pay for meat in the dish then it was known as ‘blind scouse’.
In the 1840’s, the famine in Ireland caused by the failure of the potato crop resulted in over a million Irish people crossing the Irish Sea to Liverpool in just a few short years. The majority were destitute and so meal kitchens were set up in Liverpool to feed these starving people. In the main, they were given a meal of ‘Scouse’ and when these persons formed long queues they were referred to as ‘The Scousers’. Ultimately, the name ‘Scouser’ indicated the person was a native of Liverpool.>>
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| Caroline | Interesting, Linda.I looked up relevant words in my Danish dictionary , and for Lancashire Hotpot, they give ' labskovs af fare-eller oksekod, nyer og kartofler; bages i ovnen.!!!! |
| noel | Major Charles Ingram the disgraced Who wants to be a millionaire cheat committed suicide last night.
Granada TV said they would pay for the funeral but not for the coffin. |
| Martin | Oh dear... can you hear the groans Noel? and the coughs and sneezes |
| Hayleypink | really wow. didnt see that on the news. |
| noel | Sorry Haley, should have written it "wouldn't pay for the coughing"
It's OK My wife had me going on that one as well.[:D] |
| Hayleypink | ohhhhhhhhhh ok now i get it!!!!!!!!!! |
| Kath smith | An English man a Scotsman and an Irishman are on an expedition through the desert when their landrover breaks down, their radio battery is flat so they have no way to get help. After a while they decide to walk to find a town., they can only carry one luxury each, George the Englishman carries his umbrella, for shade. Andrew the Scot brings his whisky, so they have a change from water to drink. Paddy takes ages to decide what to bring and starts unscrewing the door. What are you doing Paddy? the others ask 'Taking the door with us' 'Why?' 'If it gets too hot we can open the window' |
| Kath smith | The above is the only joke I can remember, and all that talk of scouse has made me hungry and look at the time, the kids are back at school in the morning and I 'll probably over sleep now, love this site, good night. |
| rocketmanjohn | A man sees an ad outside a farm 'Talking dog for sale', out of curiousity he pulls in and asks the farmer if the dog really can talk. 'Of course' says the farmer, 'I'll bring him out'. Out comes an elderly Beagle and the farmer tells the man to ask him some questions. 'What have you done in your life' asks the man. 'Well [says the dog] I worked in anti terrorism for a number of years, nobody suspected me, being a dog, and I reported to the CIA. In my later years I worked in airport security checking on illegal immigrants'. The man is duly impressed and asks the farmer 'How much?'. '$10' [sorry, no pound signs on my keyboard]. 'What', says the man, 'why only $10?' To which the farmer replies 'That's all rubbish, he did'nt do any of those things'.
John |
| LDunlop76 | LOL! Good one, John! |
| noel | WHY ENGLISH IS SO DIFFICULT
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English;
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wiseguy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
If Dad is Pop, how come! mom isn't Mop?
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| anacortesdamp | A friend who teaches English as a second langauge to immingrants has a number of similar paradoxes to show.
The sentence "Time flies like the wind" is easy to understand but when compared to "Fruit flies like bananas", it's very difficult to explain the differences.
Another one she uses is to ask people to pronounce the word "ghoti". Nobody ever gets it right. She shows the "GH" sound in the words enough and cough, the "o" as prononced in the word "women" and the "ti" as sounded in the word "station". That way, "ghoti" is actually pronounced "fish".
Then there's the questions:
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Have you ever met someone who is gruntled?
Why do "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same?
Frank Damp |
| William R | Frank, I was once spending some time at the Uni at Bradford doing a course in English for my M<anagemenmt letters and had an question on punctuation. If memory serves me it was - Please puncuate the following phrase - " that that is is that that is not is not that that is not that that is is that that is not that that is that that is is not that that is not"
In a large baronial hall, seperated by eight foot wide passages, and surrounded by portraits of past Uni Chancellors, it was an imposing task - to what end? I query. I think I have put it right, but if not, you will get the gist of the question - try it. William R. |
| LDunlop76 | <<yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. >>
No, hice is how the Royal Family pronounce house! LOL! |
| William R | Why do people say houses have rooves instead of roofs? W.R. |
| noel | Nice one Sandy.
Ever been confused by a medical diagnosis or tried to explain exactly what you were suffering from? Well now with this concise medical dictionary to hand you need no longer worry.
MEDICAL TERM DEFINITION
ARTERY The study of painting.
BACTERIA Back door of cafeteria.
BARIUM What doctors do when patients die.
BOWEL A letter like A, E, I, O and U.
CAESAREAN SECTION A neighbourhood in Rome.
CAT SCAN Search for a lost cat.
CAUTERISE Making eye contact with a woman.
CERVIX Being asked 'Is everything OK sir' whilst eating.
COMA A punctuation mark.
COCYX An ill hen.
D & C Where Washington is.
DILATE To live longer.
ENEMA Not a friend.
FESTER Quicker
FIBULA A small lie.
GENITAL Not a Jew
HANGNAIL Coat hook
HUMEROUS Amusing
IMPOTENT Distinguished, well known.
LABOUR PAIN Industrial injury.
MEDICAL STAFF Doctor's cane.
MORBID A higher offer.
NITRATES 10% above Day rates.
NODE Was aware of.
OUT PATIENT Unconscious.
PAP SMEAR Paternity test.
PATELLA To run a Corner Shop.
PELVIS Father of Elvis.
RECOVERY ROOM Place to do upholstery.
RECTUM To break more than one item.
SECRETION Hiding something.
SEIZURE Roman Emperor.
TABLET A small table.
TERMINAL ILLNESS Air sickness.
TUMOUR Three or greater.
URINE Opposite of you're out.
VARICOSE Nearby.
VEIN Conceited.
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| noel | JOKE OF THE WEEK
A MAN of 60 went for a check-up. "You're in excellent shape. You have the body of a 35-year-old," said the doctor. "How old was your dad when he died"?
"Who said he was dead?" the man replied.
Surprised, the doctor asked, "How old is he? Is he active?"
"He's 82 and goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week in the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "How old was your grandfather when he died?"
"Who said he was dead?" the man replied. "He goes skiing every season and surfing once a week. Not only that, he is 106 and next week he is getting married again.
The doctor was gobsmacked. "But why would your grandfather want to get married at 106?"
The man looked up and said: "Who said he wanted to?"
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| LDunlop76 | LOL! Very good one, Noel! |
| anacortesdamp | My brother Colin (dampslad) passed on these two gems, which I thought were worth sharing:
A couple of seasonal stories you might like - both from books by a retired Yorkshire teacher and schools inspector called Gervaise Finn. He begins the preface of the first one by pointing out that if you were born in a council house in Dewsbury in 1938 and your mother calls you Gervaise, it's as well to have a sense of humour!
Both are about school nativity plays. He was arriving for one in company with the mayor and found a stream of kids leaving the school. Asking one of them about the play. he received the reply; "It's off, sir, T'Virgin Mary's got nits".
At the other, a more drama-minded teacher had obviously told the kids the nativity story and let them extemporize.
Joseph asks the inkeeper about rooms. "Nay, lad. We're full up" comes the reply. "Ee, eck," says Joseph, "only t'wife's having a baby, tha knows.". "Well, it's nowt to do wi' me," says the innkeeper. "No," says Joseph. "An' it's nowt to do wi' me, neither."
Frank
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| William R | Frank, Its one of the best books I have read, but I`m no judge, the humour is first class. For me, it was a compulsive read, once started it can`t be put down. A lot of our D.G. friends would do well to read it. Thanks for reminding me. All the best. Wm.R. |
| Spitfire | I`d like to share one of my favourite jokes of the moment with you. (Perhaps I`m easily pleased LOL).
A couple are awoken in the middle of the night by a loud hammering on the front door.
`Who on earth can that be at this time of night`, said the wife, `go and see who it is`.
The husband grabs his dressing-gown and goes to investigate. Five minutes later he returns and jumps into bed.
`Well` said the wife, `who was it?`
`It was just some drunk wanting a push`.
`And did you help him`.
`Like hell I did `,said the husband, `It`s 3.20AM and absolutly pouring with rain`.
The wife replied that he should be ashamed of himself and did he have such a short memory. `Do you remember last month when the car wouldn`t start and those two kind men got us going again?`
The husband by now is feeling a little guilty so he gets dressed goes downstairs and opens the door.
`Are you still there?` he calls out into the blackness.
`Yes` comes the reply
`Do you still want a push?`
`Oh ,yes please`.
`Where are you then?` calls the husband, peering through the horizontal wind-driven rain.
`Over here on the swing`. |
| Sandieh | Little Known Christmas Fact
------------------------------
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
[img]http://animatedgif.net/seasonal/xmas/rudolph2_e0.gif[/img] |
| skitzy | thats a good one Sandie lol.
Eileen |
| Spitfire | Perhaps you should groan now - it`s one of those!
Two snowmen were standing in a field, one said to the other,"Can you smell carrots? [:D] |
| noel | I know a similar one Spitfire though it had to be explained to me.
2 parrots sitting on a perch. One said to the other "can you smell fish?"
Umm, writing it spoils it somewhat. |
| Martin | A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the MD standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the MD, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the MD as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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| Spitfire | Nice one Martin. |
| Sandieh | I like the medical definitions Noel, must send that to a nurse friend of mine..lol .
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. |